Life with Bipolar.com

     My name is Kelvin W Crosby. I am not important this is!  I have a mental illness known as Bipolar Affective disorder.  I have been ill most of my life.  I live with it every day. This may in fact run in my family. Bipolar can be passed down through generations. The studies prove that.  Now let's go back in history of my family tree.  My grandfather  literally worried himself to death, my mother's father.  My own father was never diagnosed but had the signs and symptoms of what I live with today.  My dad was a carpenter and my mother a stay at home housewife.  I was born in a small hospital in Summerville, South Carolina on September 27, 1957.  I am now 54 years old.  My upbringing was good not bad as I reflect back on it, even with the marital problems of my parents.  The memories of my grandmother's farm and all the good things in life. I have such fond memories of my strong willed and determined grandmother. She was an amazing woman.  I never knew my grandfather as he had died before my birth.  I was later to find my parent's divorced.  I was 10 years old when they separated for the first time.  I was poor but did not know it.  We were rich in other ways.  We survived  by the help of my grandmother who also instilled in me my religious values which would one day probably save my life.  I grew up as a straight A student in elementary school.  In high school I didnt do as well.  My grades went down to barely passing the 12th grade.  I graduated in 1975 from R.B. Stall High School, Charleston S.C.  I started drinking at 16 to17 during my high school years. I would work at a grocery store named Von's as my first job.  I then got a job at a company called INSCO.  I would work as a machinist, shipping and receiving clerk for a few years.  I am drinking going out on weekends to bars, getting drunk.  I remember some things but not alot about that period in my life.

    In 1979, when I was 22 years old I met a girl named Suzanne.  We were to meet in a nightclub called Xanadu's. We started dating and even lived together. She got pregnant.  We had some large disagreements.  I was told it was not my child.  We would be together for about 4 or 5 months.  I am beginning to drink alcohol more. I am starting to self medicate with it and working out 6 or 7 days a week.  She later had a daughter named Jennifer about one year later. I went to the hospital and saw her in the nursery. I tried to talk to her mother but Suzanne's mother pushed the door in my face.  It was for a reason I guess she was only trying to protect her daughter from a strange man, me!  We never married though and things were never right between us. I would try to maintain contact but it became impossible.  She did not want anything to do with me.  I really did not really know that Jennifer was my daughter until she was thirty  years old and found me on facebook.  Her finding me after 30 years confused me beyond comprehension.  I just could not understand why it took so long to find me. I would try to open up to her but she was distant to me. I really tried my best.  We would stay in contact for about six months. Then our relationship deteriorated to no contact.  I believe part of it was my bipolar. I wish she could understand me. She is my biological daughter but I feel she has no feelings for me as she does not know me today. Her mother was the main reason that I would later on enter the military.  She had told me I had no place in society and I believed her as I thought I loved her.  She was probably the first of the women I had loved.  Her effect on me was tremendous.  Even today I carry resentments towards her and her family  They never let me see my daughter and kept her away from me.  I tried to be a part of her life but I was never given a chance.  I believe today my daughter who is now grown has deep emotional issues with me.  I had no control over the situation at all.  It was a very painful time in my life.  I will always carry those scars.  I can remember on one occasion visiting Suzanne with my daughter.  Jennifer was about 9 or 10 and I sat on her bed trying to talk to her.  It was one of only two occasions that I ever saw my daughter.  Looking back years ago my illness was even there in that situation as well.  In 2011 I put his issue to rest I forgave them and myself nearly 30 years later.  Alot of wasted time with bitterness which hurts you in the long run.

   I am a poor historian. It is about 1982. I worked as a machinist for several years. I worked at a company called Robert Bosch in Charleston, SC. I also worked at the Charleston Naval shipyard for about one year. All through these years I was drinking and then working out.  It seemed to calm me.  Then when I was about 26 years old I entered the USAF, June of 1984.  I was to be stationed in the Philippines for a long term of duty.  I was experiencing problems now but did not understand them.  My sexual life was out of control.  I was spending money on prostitutes, alot of money.  Looking back how I did not get HIV is beyond me. My drinking alcohol was getting out of control as well. I was drinking excessively.  I experienced periods of alot of energy and then I would drink or exercise.  My problems are beginning to surface. I hardly saved any money at this time in my life.  Then I was to be stationed in Arizona at Davis Monthan AFB Tucson, Arizona.  I would later marry a girl named Kelly and encounter my first of many mental health visits.  My supervisor in the Air Force could see something was wrong.  My life with Kelly was confusing.  I was to be told she was pregnant.  Then I was told she had a miscarriage.  Looking back she may not of been pregnant at all.  I was knocking holes in walls in frustration.  I was arrested for breaking a restrianing order.  I was never violent towards her or hurt her I was just plain confused with the situation. I would later get out of the USAF. I then returned to my home in Summerville.  I left my home and then drove accross nearly the whole United States to try and return to the USAF. I can remember turning my jeep around in Texas.  I can still see it in my mind.  I then drove back to my home.  I was making hasty decisions. I would contact my senator to try and go back to the USAF.  I could'nt return to the Air Force the paperwork was irreversible, so I enlisted in the Army.  How did I survive looking back on this illness.  Only God knows that answer!

    In 1988 I then entered the US Army  as an Inventory Management specialist, problems with depression, drinking, mood swings, and anger that I could not control. I was sent to Germany.  I believe this may have been where my illness manifested full blown from all the changes in my life. Everything is happening very fast.  I would get my divorce papers when in Germany from Kelly.  The stress of a divorce was depressing.  The stress of my transition from one branch to another.  Everything seems to be out of control.  I  was literally trying to transform overnight  to the different ways of order. A difference of two branches of the military.  Everyone seems to be hostile to me.  I was paranoid. The Air Force was alot different from the Army.  I could not understand. I was to get in many verbals arguments with my fellow soldiers and supervisors.  I was sick but I did not know it.  It was the gloomiest place I had ever seen. It was winter there everything looked dead and it was very cold.  I can remember my senses seemed to depress me. I guess it was my surroundings. I had a female supervisor who could see I was confused. I was very large in my stature from all the years of working out.  I was perceived differently than I was. I was treated as a bull in a china store.  People were scared of me I guess.  I was not mean to people just misunderstood.  I was not allowed to carry a weapon as I had later reasoned I may of harmed someone or myself.  The Lord was watching over me.  I encountered numerous mental health visits and a hospital stay in Frankfurt, Germany.  I was given a shot where I slept for nearly two days from what I recall of it.  I was one screwed up individual.   I would medicate myself with obsessive working out to the point of throwing up  or drink until I could not recall the night.  I was having memory lapses.  My judgment was all out of whack.  I was later to get out of the Army.  Life in endless turmoil, suicidal ideation, dellusions of grandeur, all signs of a problem but could'nt get a clear diagnosis.  I came home to so many jobs that I could not hold, over and over I tried but nothing would work out for any length of time.

    In August of 1989, I entered the Charleston VA hospital in Charleston, S.C., with strange thoughts, thoughts I still try to erase from my mind.  I thought of harming myself.  I planned on running my motorcycle into a tree. I am starting to have suicidal ideation. I guess alot of my childhood issues with my father were surfacing.  The stress of my childhood and my parent's divorce.  I was admitted to the hospital and later transferred to Columbia VA hospital.  All kinds of problems, women, alcohol, depression, endless thoughts.  One day I felt as though my head was literally spinning from my distortions and trying to find some sense of normalcy. I was to be put on lithium as my first of many medications.  I would later stop taking it as I felt I had no problem.  After being released after about a week I can recall sleeping in my vehicle.  I would drink and find myself lying on the ground looking at the stars in a drunken stupor.  One minute I am up the next self medicating with alcohol.  The Lord is watching over me through it all.  I also had periods of euphoria in these times as well.  As I look back where have I been in life. My God was with me!

   Now  its about 1990 and I enter the USAF reserves as an Aeromedical Evacuation Medical Technician, schooling for one year active duty.  First at Sheppard AFB  in Texas for technical school, then clinical at David Grant hospital in California, next it was McDill AFB in Florida for more clinical, then back to Charleston AFB near my home.  Still drinking, women, depression and mania.  I was then to be deployed to Texas where  I trained on the C-130 aircraft  then back to Charleston where I was then trained on the C-141 transport plane, now awaiting orders to Desert Storm.  Everything is a blurr as I type this.  I was wandering through life.

   In 1992, I  was honorably discharged from the USAF reserves and enlisted in the Army reserves.  As I type this I can recall these memories, but this to becomes a blur of mistakes, poor judgment, unclear thinking in all.  Somehow I was surviving but my life was out of control.  Now I got a job as a Firefighter III/EMT as my military training helped me in gaining employment.  I saw alot in my three years as a firemen.  I saw  many wrecks, accidents, fires, mishaps and death. I still retain today much of what I learned as a firemen.  During this time I frequented bars as well.  I am to marry another woman and later divorce. Her name was Gwendolyn and we also met in a bar.  She had alot of problems also. She drank to much even more than me. She loved vodka. I guess we were both self medicating.  Our marriage was filled with bars and alcohol.  I am trying to be a historian of an unbelievable mess.  I worked at the fire department for three years and then went back to numerous jobs.  Left it what I would call a personal conflict of interest. My fellow firemen thought I was strange.  My co- workers found me to be an enigma.  Something I would oneday come to understand.  I then worked in construction where I had numerous disagreements, physical fights, damage to property.  I am still just wandering as I will put it now.

   In 1994, I got a job at KCI in Charleston where I was to quit and be rehired on three occasions. I was a hard worker. That would be the reason I was rehired so many times. I was still having problems with my fellow workers. I had problems  with interpersonal relationships, not fitting in, still drinking, carousing after women, periods of highs and lows not really sure as to the cycling of my moods.  I was continuing to work out and started attending church, then in 1995 I gave my life to the Lord Jesus Christ. I realized I could not do it on my own any more.  I continued to go to church.  When I was being baptized a young woman noticed me and she would later become my third wife. One evening at church I ended up in a conversation with her. I had the same birthday as her younger sister. We started talking.  I can remember walking her to her car.  She told me her name was Crystal.  It is a beautiful name.  She is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  God sent her to me!  She is the best friend I have ever had.  I love her dearly as she cannot probably understand my feelings that I have for her.  She has stuck by me all these years, and I put her through a living hell. That's some kind of love for another person.  We lived together for a while and would buy a house together. I have alot of good memories there.  Both my children were born when I lived there.  I would live there almost 12 years. Anyhow Crystal and I were married in June of 1997.  We had a simple wedding.  Just my close family members were in attendance.  I was now married but having problems. My episodes were getting worse and she told me either seek help or she would leave me.  I finally reached out for help in January of 1998.  A psychiatrist, her name Dr. Rhonda Kalil in Charleston finally after all these years diagnosed me with Bipolar Affective disorder.  I was placed on several medicines including depakote and clonazepam as well as risperdal.  Gradually I started to improve, not over night but slowly taking months to get in my system.  Over the span of years I was put on numerous medicines, some worked and some did not. Crystal stayed with me through it all. She was there for me.  I started going to the VA hospital around this time because I had no money to pay for my medications. I was not working hardly at this time.  I could get a job but I could not hold it for very long. I am changing thoughts.  I don't think you can ever feel the peace in your mind that normal people must feel.  My peace now is a result of my Salvation.  The peace of the Lord Jesus Christ has given me a peace that surpasses all understanding.  I still have a mental illness that effects every aspect of my life.  I am truly amazed that I am alive today.  I fight ever day of my life for normalcy even with the Lord watching over me today.

   Now this is where my life starts to change.  My second daughter was born on July 15,1998. We named her Skye. I was there when she was born, it is without a doubt the most amazing thing that had happened in my life. She was named after my wife's deceased sister. She had died as a result of a sewing machine falling on her head.  Through all this I am still having problems.  After loss after loss of jobs my wife and I discussed my past and realized I may of had this in the military.  That my circumstances may have caused a decompensation, the first of many.  I then started by case with Veterans Affairs.  I can still remember the first of many papers began at the American Legion.  I filed a time after time statement on my situation and the links that I was trying to prove that my disability had occurred within my military span of time.  I would send more documentation each time. This would take many years to substaniate.  My own mother was to testify as to the difference in me before and after the military.  Almost seven years later I kept appealing and was deemed disabled service connected.  My last appeal for disability went all the way to Washington, DC.  But I was not well yet and probably never will be normal if you can use that term.  I believe in 2002 I received my first of now disability payments through the VA, Veterans Affairs.  I was later to receive Social Security as well. It would be a two year battle with paperwork and finally a lawyer to help me.  The good Lord  blessed me financially.  It was a difficult battle and I believe God opened all the doors. 

     Then on June 10. 2002 my  third daughter was born. We named her Brandi. She was tiny at birth to me.  She would reach the age of two when the doctors told us my wife had a tumor the size of a golf ball in her head. Time is now evading me as my wife was operated on for an accoustic neuroma in 2004. The surgery would take 10 hours.  It was done at the MUSC hospital in Charleston.  She nearly died a a result of the surgery. She would have to learn how to talk, write, and eat again. It took eight years later to smile as the surgery had left the right side of her face paralized. On reflection back my life was in the Lord's hands. What a terrible ordeal fo rmy wife. She suffered with alot of problems.  She was later to be diagnosed with fibromyalgia.  She was not able to work steady and we got behind with our bills.  I am still making bad decisions even though I am on medication  After alot of unwise financial choices we were broke. Those problems ended in bankruptcy.  I lost my home.  My vehicles were repossessed as well.  But I had the most important of values, my family. I would then sell everything I owned except my furniture and my basic needs, clothing and things.  Our family cockatoo her name was Sparkles was given away. I found homes for my two AKC registered german sheppards and my two shelties.  How my two daughters got over this is beyond me.  I realize it was meant to be as I reflect back on it .  All those years of collecting things were gone. I sold everything on Craigslist.  I had a hammer, a few screwdrivers and a tape measure. The rest of my things were given away what I could not sell. Oh, the peace  of simplicity.  I loaded the remainder of my things with my three chihuahuas on a large Uhaul truck. My dogs rode up front with me and my daughters.  I moved to the mountains of North Carolina in 2009 with my family.  I drove the 300 mile journey in five hours.  We live in a beautiful setting on the edge of a mountain now. The house is large enough for all my family.  I am trying to build a new life now.  I have been here a little over two years and it was a good move for me. It has snowed here both winters and I find the snow to be refreshing and pure.  It reminds me of one's Salvation. I love to build fires when it is cold.  I enjoy winter here.  I still battle demons, thoughts, depression, mania but I am getting better.  I now take six different medicines  to maintain my sanity. I take lamictal, risperdal, zoloft, valium, temazepam, and cogentin.  It has taken me all these years to find this combination of medicines. All the things of nature seem to really help my illness.  I have a nearby stream where I find peace and tranquility  What I want you to gather from this is that bipolar effects everything in your life.  I am surviving with the grace of God.  I hope I can save someone some time with my life story.  As I read back on what I have written I see such confusion. It has been 27 years for me with my disability.  That is half of my life.  You can live with Bipolar but it takes therapy and medication. And I feel most importantly, the help from The Lord Jesus Christ!  So I ask You to please reach out for help.  I hope you do not waste as many years as I did.  I hope I have helped you.  Kind regards,  Kelvin W. Crosby